My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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