I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
