i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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