she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
