Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize