I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
