i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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