ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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