allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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