I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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