We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
