I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
