I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
