i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
