Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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