The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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