She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
