I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
