He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
