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Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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