you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
