I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Randomize
