Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
