btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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