When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
The air taste purple.
Randomize
