tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
