my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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