Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize