My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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