Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
