My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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