I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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