bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
