So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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