i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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