Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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