Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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