You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
