Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
