So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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