can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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