No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
