Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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