Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
