cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
