Your face is a jimmy john
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
