Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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