ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
