i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize