I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
