i jhust puked up my retainher.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
