Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
