My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
