I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
i think i just lost a toe
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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