I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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