The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
