While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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