i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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