i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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