I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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