Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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