the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
