$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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